Forgive and Forget

30th December 2005,

It's 12.38pm Lunch time in another 20 mins. Take the time to write the blog. I remember I shared in the EPCC Forum about forgive and forget, and now I am actually questioning the reality- whether is this really exist? Forgive and forget? In His Word, He remember our sins no more. God forgive and forget, completely wipe off our sins, can't remember anything else- how about us? How do we forgive and allow the reconcilation with our brother and sister in Christ, once hurt us?

This experience coming back again last night, It has been 3 years, I thought it's all done with, it's all over, but I can't believe it coming back again. Is it means I haven't forgive- checking deep my heart? How can I react over such matter? What happen?

Last night was in ex-House. Had dinner with Felix and Helena, then invited Andrew to come over our home for fellowship. There come a call- it work out well, I try to tone down my voice, be cool and answer the phone- but he keep on digging back the past, keep on torturing me with what I've done to him which I did not, keep on never endingly wants me to answer to where we can take this friendship level to? What do you mean? Friendship, acquaintance level? Yes, I did not denied that we once a friend, once acquintance...but now, I don't know how to take that level? I forgive- and that's it, I forgive..all the hurts, I forgive, yet he never wanna let me go. Have I forgiven? I'm so deepenly sad, he made me shed tears again- a punching bag. Teach me how to react? Felix said you should just go on with life, put your feet down, not emotionally shaken by this- not worth. I know, but I can't help to be sad. I'm scared. That night, I received 2 smses from him. I knew it will not be good one, and indeed so. This morning I received another 2 smses- make up to 4 smses, all cursing me, hurting me. Sad case- I'm not angry, am I hurt, of coz...but I just so sad- pitiful that such a man that claimed to knew God's Word strongly can react this way to the fella believers- no many negatives things. I got to be mean- I don't want to, but here I got to be firm...

Lord teach me what to do? I forgive him as You have forgiven me, but I can't love him as You loved me. You send people to love him and help him- I can't Lord. I don't know why this can just drag on till 3 years. it's so tiring- the friendship once shared now so tiring. Teach me in such situation- guide my heart, I need Your wisdom- only You counsel I seek. I can't pray for him Lord- I just couldn't Lord- hope You understand. I remember him and trust it to You. Now the problems is not longer mine- It's Yours, and I trust You will handle it, You will take care of it. I refuse to feel guilty and angry, I let go all the hurts and unforgiveness- it's all in Your hands. Lord, take it, and heal my heart- any bitterness, hurts, heal, and it's health, In Jesus's Name. I'm freed from all emotional entanglement. Amen!

Listen- Just listen....

29th December 2005,

I realise this a few days ago when Felix said I don't listen. I used to be a good listener, a friend that can sit long with you and listen on the sharing and just being there, to just listen. I used to be...yet...just recently I realise that it's no more. My ear as if has been shut, and my heart has been very impatient with the deep sharings- I wonder why is that so. A listening ear, slow to speech and quick in listening. Felix has been pissed off when seeing such change in me- I don't wanna listen anymore, I have enough sorrows of my own. That should not be the attitude. A listening friends....I need them when I need them to listen, so how should I react when others need my ear, my heart to identify with them, and not by giving any advice, just as friends, being there- knowing that you care...

O Lord, forgive me for my impatience and my lacking in listening. Help me to be slow to speech and quick to listen, help me to be wise in the words that I choose that it will not tear others down, but build others up. That my mouth may speak of blessings, and my presence will bring comfort and love. Let the word of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be ever pleasing to You, ever pleasing to You Lord. Take the coal and cleanse my lips, here I am...

Can't live a day without You

29th December 2005,

5.30pm Thursday evening. Still in hospital- not gonna be having dinner with mum coz she has appointment with aunt. Am listening to few songs, the nice one- I love the most is "Can't live a day without You". The lyric very good- I love it, it speak through my heart during the LifeGames Mimes. It speaks of the season that I've gone through, how's my journey to live with Him and without Him, how do I live till today- because of the reason He lives- He's there with me. May it be the prayer of my heart "I live because You live- You're everything to me". The closeness that I long for, that I had been yeilding before. It speaks of His Presence with me, in this journey of life. I can live without many things in life and carry on..but I couldn't possibly live alone, without Him. "You are the heartbeat of all I do". I can do eveything, everything, but if He's not in it, it comes to nothing. May it be the pray of my heart to live with Him all the days of my life...how do you live?

Christmas Caroling_GMC

28th December 2005,

It's 5.18pm. In hospital, waiting for caroling. Kinda excited. We gonna do this again- has been 3 years continuously we have been singing in GMC, tht's awesome. But never had the chance to preach the gospel, other than singing what else can we established? Tonite-7.30pm we will start our briefing. Really hope and pray the turn out will be good. Am sort of afraid that I will be singing alone, but thank God- I have few confirmation from staff coming, EPCC-ians coming. Even though we didn't practise much, hope we can still give our best. Christmas is over, 3 days ahead- yet Christmas's Spirit and the joy surrounds us. This morning there're 3 judges came to our Pharmacy department to view our Christmas Deco- they are Mr Teoh, Mrs Chin, and Ms Lim(Dietritian). We surprised them when we turned off the lights, and singing "Joy to the world, the Lord has come, let earth received the King". The Pharmacy staff sing tht- awesome, the judges were really surprised and had a well lasting impression how we usher them into our department. It's fun and happy. We're singing the song- but does the people know the meaning, the true meaning of Christmas- the news, those who carry the news. So tonite, I prayed that it will not just be a song- a carols, but God's people bringing the joy, the smile and the message of Christ is Love to the people. I am excited, Pas Sam will also be coming, Loon and Susie will be preparing ballon for children, the rest will join along sing. Staff will be joining in, pray for God's presence to be with us- surrounds the entire hospital with His joy, peace and love.

Sister back yesterday. I had dinner with Andrew, had good discussion. Also had some time of chat with Pas Sam. I've shared my concerns about Cell, and he has been supportive of my views, now is that I really need God's direction, not my flesh, but His will be done on earth as it is in heaven.

Christmas- Season of Joy, Hope and Peace

21st December 2005,

5.30pm- in the office, today had 2 meetings continuously. Patient load has decrease- holidays mood- good for us. Our Pharmacy has take part in Christmas Decoration Competition and I have full confident that we will able to win 1st Prize. Great job! I'm proud of the staff, this is really team work and all the credit goes to the Pharmacy Staff, all of them. I'm amazed at our Christmas tree, how we use the recycle Rhinathiol Syrup bottles, clean it up, fill it silica gell, put in the flourecent gold thingy, and how we arrange it. It's truely awesome. I bet Casualty will not able to beat us. Praise God...

Christmas is just around the corners. Christmas Hunt coming, it's too fast, have yet to get present for the Gift exchange. Plan to take a day off on Fri to prepare for the things. Thanks to Lee Koh for helping so much to plan, and also the rest- that has contribute in one way or another for the Christmas. Eric will be busy with weddings, so I should understand his condition not able to involve that much...Year gonna end, tht's too fast. Oh Gosh...Can we just stop the watch, stop the clock from ticking? Nahh...we can't. Life goes on, we should set time for goal setting...planning, reviewing goals, resolution. This year 2005 I did not set resolution- Yr 2006, time to review and set something.

How could I live without You, How could I survive..

21st December 2005,

Extracted from "My Life Declaration":
I won't be captivated by culture, manipulated by critics, motivated by praise, frustrated by problems, debilitated by temptation, or intimidated by the devil. I'll keep running the race with my eyes on the goal, not the sidelines or those running by me. When times get tough, and I get tired, I won't back up, back off, back down, back out, or backslide. I'll just keep moving forward by God's grace. I', Spirit-led, purpose-driven and mission-focused, so I cannot be bought, I will not be compromised, and I shall not quit until I finish the race.

Last night ponder through. How can I say I wanna give up? Life is a breath from God..How could I live without Him? How could I survive, without His Love, without His touch, without His Presence. he's the reason that I live. Press on the race.

Christmas Hunt discussion last night. Even though the group is small, can see the effort all put in, with the little we have we gonna give the best- not for man, not for program, for God- for His Name, for His good news. Hope for the best for the Christmas Hunt, giving the best, know He will do the rest.

It's A Choice- Smile at the Rain

20th December 2005,

5.11pm, it's Tuesday evening. I'm about to go back, just update the blog before I switch off the PC. Yesterday was on-leave. Had good time of resting at home, wrapping gifts and lunch with Lee Koh and Jasmine. Too lazy to go shopping, have not really get much gifts this year. Sister will be back this 24th. Still can remember some incidence few days ago- conversation with sister that made me shed tears. Wondering why I can be so emotional to take the feedback to emotionally and negatively. We have been hoping for her to come back Penang to work- it's tiring to see her travelling to and fro Johor-Penang, waste of time, effort, money...if she could have been in Penang will solve whole lot of issue. Yet I know fully well God has His time and season. Can see Celina has been growing- even after the breakoff she has found strength in Him, and passion for Mission and evangelism. It's good seeing her grow in the Lord- to start serving in Young Adult Ministry, yes, indeed she has been strong, always strong. One word that made me sad- "Smile and the world will smile with you, and cry and you will only cry alone, so just choose to be happy and smile". Imagine my siste said that to me. Yes, indeed it's true in a way, probably the meaning is to encourage me to make a choice to be happy. To be happy is a choice? Who don't want to be happy? And...if I'm crying- really I'll be crying alone? That's sad, really sad. Where's all my brothers and sisters? When I'm at the mountain-top, all will be cheering and happy with me, but if I'm in the valley full of dryness- who will be there? Who can cry with me? I'm in a way sad to hear this, although there's some truth to the statement. Yes, even though there're people surrounds you, families, friends, and church...yet, when there're some issues in life, where you're standing at the borderline, or valley and wonderland-so called...it's still your choice and effort to make that move. Man can't help, friends can't help. When you're crying you'll only cry alone?? I ponder through..how many times I've cried, and who is there with me. Only the Daddy in heaven, my closest friends. Yet sometimes I can reject that closest friend that trying to offer helping hands. What a wretched man like me, who can help? A choice to make- a choice, an effort.

I wonder why, this year 2005 it speak so much of choices and efforts. I wish to pedal hard, I wish to run and fly with wings of eagles, "You wish, and You can Shirley- Do It, just run, just fly, just soar up- why stop? Why doubt? Can't you just trust me, can't you just trust the Daddy's heart? Why worry?"

Oh God, my Lord! I'm so tired of life. Life isn't fun, it's full of turmoils and I feel like giving up. I'm sorry Daddy- for such feeling. But it is real, it's real and I don't like it...but life still goes on, whatever happen I still need to live. Teach me to live with a smile in my heart. Teach me to say "Yes". Am journeyed on, whatever it takes..teach me to keep the eyes straight and focus in You, on the Cross of Love, fix my mind on you, to be centre-minded moving forward, not backward..in whatever I said..there will not be a "But", there only be a "Yes, praise God and Amen". Help me to follow You till the end. Gives me a Spirit-filled understanding of the situation I'm facing now...that I will see the joy of rainbow at the end of the rain. I surrender- help me to die in self, and live by the Spirit each day, I prayed. Amen!

Lessons on Life

15th December 2005,

Lessons on Life

There was a man who had four sons. He wanted his sons to learn not to judge things too quickly. So he sent them each on a quest, in turn, to go and look at a pear tree that was a great distance away.

The first son went in the winter, the second in the spring, the third in summer, and the youngest son in the fall. When they had all gone and come back, he called them together to describe what they had seen.

The first son said that the tree was ugly, bent, and twisted.
The second son said no it was covered with green buds and full of promise.
The third son disagreed; he said it was laden with blossoms that smelled so sweet and looked so beautiful, it was the most graceful thing he had ever seen.
The last son disagreed with all of them; he said it was ripe and drooping with fruit, full of life and fulfillment.

The man then explained to his sons that they were all right, because they had each seen but only one season in the tree's life. He told them that you cannot judge a tree, or a person, by only one season, and that the essence of who they are and the pleasure, joy, and love that come from that life can only be measured at the end, when all the seasons are up.

If you give up when it's winter, you will miss the promise of your spring, the beauty of your summer, fulfillment of your fall.

Moral lessons:
Don't let the pain of one season destroy the joy of all the rest.
Don't judge life by one difficult season.
Persevere through the difficult patches and better times are sure to come some time or later

Mission Emphasis

14th December 2005,

5.56pm still in the office. Today had great heahache, it's a sign of the monthly mood-swing thingy. Need my Panadol, this time will require more dose of supplements. Yesterday reached home about 9.30pm, has been whole day, went back Alor Setar for Uncle's funeral- fetched aunts to AS, dunno road to their house in Butterworth, a lot testing of my patience, but thank God overall everything is well. Have good chat with Small-Aunt. Listened to all the sharing of the 'chanting' and procession. We are the only family that believe in Christ. Sister was saying we got to pray more for our relatives, to be saved, rather than each year seeing relatives passed away without knowing God- a miserable thing. A heart of compassion for the lost, mission emphasis this month for people to reach out. Many times it's the fear, or it's the timidity or it's just not of the sensing of urgency to pray and to share the gospel- Are we need to be gifted in certain ways to share? It first comes in basic relationship, befriend the people, then it step up to testimony and lifestyles. Leading a Christian life, a God-fearing life, may the Lord open the eyes of the heart of people. But we got to do our part, we have our part to play- but when it comes to sharing...evangelism, people will stop...it's not my gift. Myself having the resistancy as well, it's more to do with pride.

Many ways to share the love of God- not by telling people Jesus died and rose again, and ask them to believe Christ. It's more of lifestyle, it's the stand in the world, a selfish world. A stand up among the rest, in workplace- speech. Mission trip, with creative ideas to share to the children etc. I missed Mission Trip, it always been an eye opener and great experience. Every different mission trip has something special, special message for His people and for the congregation. Need to approach it with willing and teachable spirit. Very important- teachable attitude, humble Spirit to learn, to accept correction, to accept rebuke- to be open in the Spirit for God to move. Not our ways but Him.

This year we are not going to have Caroling. Can't get guitarist, too many things and events going, so this yr got to let it pass. GM called the other day, I'm so sad to reject him...we should have do it, but not right time, not this year....it's 615pm now, got to make a move back home. Home Sweet Home*** Mummy cooked porridge, yum yum...hope it won't be jam. Mission emphasis- just got mail from Lee Lian, updates of mission again- sometimes too much of it can make you feel scared. Pray the Lord will lead His people to get His message of the mission in His due season...

An eventful Sunday III

14th December 2005,

4.57pm Wednesday afternoon, now still in GMC. Has been a while didn't update the blog, got to find time doing time, or else I'll forget what's happening for pass days.

Yeah- eventful Sunday III. I didn't attend church for 2 weeks. The first week of the month I was attending John's wedding in Ipoh- visit Wesley Methodist Church, Ipoh. It was sort of eye opener and new experience for me coz it's my first time attending Methodist church. That Sunday is Holy Communion, and I have the change to see how the church conduct the Communion. It was good experience, overall I can see the church in different perspective, the strength in conducting things in orderly way, and how the communion was served- the congregation will line up in front of the altar and kneel down to receive the Bread and Wine, a form of reverance to God. It's good, to approach the occasion with reverence and respect, remembering what God has done for us. Unlike most of the churches, it's served to congregation. Yeah, a form of change of attitude and approach. The church is huge- according to Gavin it's shaped as cross. He brought us around to gymnasium which was converted into a Children Class room. Nice experience.

Last week I didn't attend church- attend friends' Chee Mui's session and be her bridesmaid. I think it's my first time attending Non-Christian wedding...maybe not first time, but this time being involved helping in the wedding brings some light to my experience. Being a bridesmaid is tough, got to help take care angpow and pull brides' wedding gown, got to fan the bride, and stand beside each time they 'cham cha'. Somemore she got a lot relatives- a lot teas to 'cham'. Then the relatives also need to know so many names- mother's uncle, mother's uncles' children..etc. Chinese custom, with needs to address a person differently, father side with one name, mother's side another name, unlike commonly we address all man above 40's as uncles :) A tiring day..yet something different.

So many weddings, weddings so busy, so many things to prepare. Next time if I were ever get married I will want to make my wedding as simple as possible, keep it simple and sweet.

Paradigm Shift - Newness - 2006

10th December 2005,

1.43pm- still in the office. It's Saturday and tonite is Huey Meng's wedding. Will be helping in Reception. This morning wake up 5.40am, for morning prayer (leaders). This morning message is good- to prepare for the new season. Ps mentioned one thing- the new sanctuary getting ready soon. God is about to do new thing, whether we want or not. Got to get ready, or else some that could keep up to that will get retired. Probably I'm sensitive, or is it God that speaking in my Spirit. Ps preached before about the sermon "How to Run", whther we run with purpose, carrying the news. Or else even tho' we run, David said, "Move aside, You don't have news for the King". Am I faithful with the little God entrusted in what he called me to do? Am I faithful in that? How should be the change for 2006? A new season- return to the basic- Loving God, loving People.

When Ps shared about the mission for church, am quite fearful. More things, more commitments, a lot required from the people. It's time for commitment and there should have some sacrifices made. And what can I offer? To expand our heart, to enlarge our heart- willing to allow Him to expand us. That's huge challenges ahead. But a success begin with small step, a step to commit. How should I commit? How should I do with my time, where is the area God challenging me?

About old wineskin and new wineskin, what will happen if the new wine poured into old wineskin? What will it happen if the church remain just old wineskin and venturing into new church, new season? Can we take it? How should we take it into that level? Consecrating our lives, ever be ready to be pour out like a offering for Him... that is what he wants our heart to response. Am I responding? Am struggling- to commit, to give, to be tender to allow him to use me. 2006- what's the challenges ahead?....

Cry Holy

8th December 2005,

Thurs evening@ 4.45pm. Still in office. Today sort of busy, Storekeeper not around, but it's well- still can handle. Pharmacy quite hectic in December, staff complaining full bed- gonna burn down. Today one of my Pharmacist cried, don't know what happen- hope she's okie. Others said she's stressed with work, but Boey said it's personal matter. If it's work related I should have do something so that she'll be happy in work, or else she resign I'll be really sad. Tomorrow got to talk to her.

Hmm..has been a while didn't write Blog. Many things happened. Went to Ipoh last week for John's wedding. Have not been attending church service for 2 weeks, then this coming week will be having another wedding, won't able to attend church. What to do, don't know how to reject people. Huey Meng asked me to be her bridesmaid and I said yes, because she can't get others, I got to bhelp out lar...and need to do it willingly and happily. But thinking of the pass months, Nov and Dec has been fruitful month for weddings. So many weddings. Come to think about it, a little bit phobia with weddings already. Some more Jan will be Wedding Co-ordinator for Eric and Sharon's wedding. Geeee...It's too emotional, and touchy....only single people like me can understand this. After Jan, I do hope there won't be anyone to ask me plan and help on Weddings.

This morning went for Morning Prayer- 6am. A sudden move of the heart to go to church. Yeah, probably that is the knocking of Holy Spirit. Told Andrew about it, he said maybe I miss Him..."Miss" Him...yeah..some refilling of the void, that only He can fill. I like this song, it the reminder of the Everlasting care of the Father..tht will always draw His child back even tho' we fall away...that He is there, He is there, He understand, and He is there in whatever we go through.....

In my loneliness You are there
To reveal Your righteousness, in my despair
Jesus I long for You
There is no one else, no one like You

So I cry Holy, Worthy, Glory, Majesty
You reign on high
Far above all the earth
You are my God, my Lord and King

When I'm far away You are there
To draw me back again, into Your care
Jesus I long for You
There is no one else, no one like You